Yes, at this point it gets complicated. Nonbelievers insist that that makes two more persons, so really Santa is five persons in one, and they mock us for our irrationality and inability to do basic math. But they are the ignorant ones. For clearly according to Scripture (Christmas Carol 9:21, 18:11, and 24:8) the three Ghosts are really temporally santificated incarnations of one and the same Ghost, and thus they, too, are three persons in One Being, and thus are One, and thus Santa is three persons in One, not five. Obviously.
But I am here to defend the existence of the One, Santa Claus. Perhaps there can be debate over the particulars of which minions serve Him. And we should strive to convince the unbeliever to at least enter our broad tent and begin that debate. But there is no possible way for any rational person to deny the existence of Santa Claus Himself. Santologians have long developed several iron-clad proofs of it, and I can only shake my head in perplexity at how unbelievers cannot have known of this. So I have gathered them all here, so the nonbeliever will be left with no excuse...
The Santalogical Argument
- Santa Claus is by definition the greatest gift giver conceivable.
- An actual gift giver is by definition greater than an imaginary gift giver.
- If an actual gift giver is greater than an imaginary one, then the greatest gift giver must be an actual one and not imaginary.
- But (per premise 1) no gift giver can be conceptually greater than Santa Claus.
- Therefore, Santa Claus exists.
The Christmasological Argument
- Either the universe had a beginning or has always existed.
- Both science and logic entail the universe had a beginning.
- Therefore the universe had a beginning.
- Everything that has a beginning has a cause.
- Therefore the universe had a cause.
- Every cause must be either personal or mechanical.
- But every mechanical cause is by definition a part of the universe, and therefore no mechanical cause can have preceded the universe to cause it.
- Therefore the universe must have had a personal cause.
- Creating the universe is the greatest gift conceivable.
- The greatest gift conceivable can only have been given by the greatest gift giver conceivable.
- Santa Claus is by definition the greatest gift giver conceivable.
- Therefore, Santa Claus caused the universe to exist.
- Therefore, Santa Claus exists.
The Fine Gifting Argument
- The laws and constants of the universe are finely tuned to require the installation of vents, chimneys, and shafts in all households in which people live (due to the laws of thermodynamics and chemical respiration).
- It is extraordinarily improbable that those laws and constants would be arranged in precisely the way that would require exactly what Santa Claus needs to enter our homes and deliver His gifts or coals.
- It is very probable that if Santa Claus arranged the laws and constants of the universe that He would arrange them in exactly that way, which (lo and behold) is the way they actually are.
- Therefore it is far more probable that Santa Claus arranged the laws and constants of the universe than that random chance did.
- Therefore it is far more probable that Santa Claus exists.
- Therefore Santa Claus exists.
- The greatest gift giver conceivable would by definition ensure he can deliver his gifts.
- The delivery of gifts requires access into gift recipients' homes.
- The ensuring of access into gift recipients' homes requires the arrangement of the laws and constants of physics so as to entail the installation of vents, chimneys, and shafts in all households in which people live.
- Santa Claus is by definition the greatest gift giver conceivable.
- Therefore, Santa Claus would have arranged the laws and constants of the universe exactly that way.
Argument from Christmas Spirit
- Every Christmas season everyone the world over experiences the Christmas Spirit.
- Santa Claus is by definition the Christmas Spirit.
- Therefore every Christmas season everyone the world over experiences Santa Claus.
- It is extraordinarily improbable that six billion people would simultaneously, the same time every year, hallucinate exactly the same experience.
- Therefore Santa Claus is not a hallucination.
- That which is experienced and is not a hallucination, is real.
- Therefore, Santa Claus is real.
- Therefore Santa Claus exists.
Argument from Christmas Miracles
- Miraculous events have been documented to occur at and around Christmas (by multiple eyewitnesses and even mechanical recording devices that never lie, like TV cameras).
- It is extraordinarily improbable that those miracles occur just by chance.
- It is very probable that they would occur if Santa Claus caused them.
- Therefore it is far more probable that Santa Claus caused them than that random chance did.
- Therefore it is very probable that Santa Claus exists.
- Therefore Santa Claus exists.
The greatest Christmas miracle of all, of course, is Santa Claus' miraculous transport of gifts and coals into billions of homes in a single night. Unbelievers insist this miracle doesn't happen because it is scientifically impossible. And yet millions of eyewitnesses and reliable documents confirm that it does indeed happen (NORAD even tracks Santa performing His miracle!). Yes, in some cases people posing as Santa Claus have been caught delivering gifts in His name, or even in disguise as Him, but just because some instances like that occur it does not follow that all instances are like that. You cannot judge a whole religion by a few bad apples.
Besides, claiming this goes against the laws of nature is simply bias against the supernatural. Not only have we proven that Santa Claus caused the laws of nature, so He can suspend them at will (and, besides, there is no way to prove He can't do that, so it is a fallacy to assume He can't, and therefore no argument from natural law against Santa Claus is valid anyway), but even apart from that, there are surely abilities and powers we haven't discovered yet.
Gaps in scientific knowledge entail we cannot claim such powers don't exist. Like the ability to suspend time or teleport. Santa Claus must have such powers, since He is, by definition, the greatest gift giver conceivable, and that entails having all the abilities necessary to fulfill that role. I really don't see the problem here.
Why millions of deniers are ready to believe that stupid vanity trophies can teleport vile little child wizards into places where they irresponsibly get their friends killed by bald misshapen fascists with sticks, and yet won't believe Santa Claus can use a magic sleigh to teleport from place to place, is simply beyond me. The hypocrisy is palpable. Don't get me started on little witch girls taking gifts of timestopping watches from suspiciously bearded homosexuals. Suffice it to say, Santa Claus can have a timestopping watch if she can. And if He is, as He is, the greatest gift giver conceivable, if He must have a timestopping watch to fulfill that role, then it is logically necessary that He does have a timestopping watch. So there.
I'm sorry, I digress. It's just that deniers of my beloved One get me so angry. How can they be so stupid! It frightens me. Anyway, let me return to the final and most brilliant arguments for the existence of Santa Claus...
Argument from Christmas Qualia
- Science has no explanation for the qualitative nature of human consciousness, in particular the visceral nature and quality of experiencing "joy" at the sight of a lit and decorated Christmas Tree.
- Physics cannot even in principle explain this, since this quality of experience, "what it is like" to feel that joy and see that tree, are not physical things (the "treeness" and "joyness" do not have mass or location, they are not composed of atoms, and thus they cannot be reduced to physical things).
- If science has not explained this and physics cannot explain it, then it must have some other explanation not of science or physics.
- Santa Claus is an explanation not of science or physics.
- Santa Claus is by definition the Christmas Spirit.
- The Christmas Spirit must by definition be felt to exist.
- Qualia are necessary to feel the Christmas Spirit.
- Therefore if and only if qualia exist, the Christmas Spirit exists.
- Qualia exist.
- Therefore, the Christmas Spirit exists.
- Therefore, Santa Claus exists.
Argument from Santa's Rocket
There are many other arguments proving Santa Claus exists. For example, it is necessary for us to be able to reason and for logic to be true, in order for us to enjoy the gifts of Christmas, and the only plausible explanation for how physical matter can reliably reason or for why logic could be true or be seen to be true by a physical brain, is if some One made that possible, and as that would by definition be the greatest gift imaginable, and Santa is the greatest gift giver imaginable, it follows that Santa made these things possible, and therefore exists. Likewise, we all acknowledge that moral laws exist, yet those laws must have a lawgiver, and as Santa Claus adjudicates those moral laws by the giving of gifts or coals, and as being governed by moral laws makes happiness possible and is therefore the greatest of all gifts, and Santa Claus is the greatest gift giver, it follows that moral laws come from Santa, and therefore Santa Claus exists. We can even prove Santa Claus originated life on earth (come on, it's just too frickin impossible otherwise!).
So there really can be no denying His existence anymore. But there is one final argument, which is the most definitive because it passed peer review even in an atheist philosophy journal, so even atheists had to admit it was sound and valid. In my very own article "Fatal Flaws in Michael Almeida's Alleged 'Defeat' of Rowe's New Evidential Argument from Evil" published in Philo (Volume 10, No. 1: Spring-Summer 2007, pp. 85-90), using the glorious premises of famed theologian Michael Almeida, I proved the following:
- R1 = No rocket we know of allows Santa Claus to fly to any other planet.
- R1 entails R1* = If Santa Claus exists, then if there is a rocket we know of, then that rocket does not allow Santa Claus to fly to any other planet.
- If we have evidence against R1*, then it is more probably than not true that ~R1* = Santa Claus exists and there exists a rocket we know of and that rocket allows Santa Claus to fly to some other planet.
- We know of rockets that would allow Santa Claus to fly to another planet.
- Therefore we have evidence against R1*.
- Therefore it is more probably than not true that ~R1*.
- Therefore Santa Claus exists (and He even has a rocket that He flies to other planets!).
And there's an end of it. Try gainsaying that!
[[http://richardcarrier.blogspot.com/2010/12/santa-lives.html#]]
